The End Is Also A Beginning

Today a part of me died. The idealism I held for so long finally took its last breath on me. I never thought it was possible to go on without what I have come to identify as my core belief system. Apparently life do go on with or without it... RIP my heart. You will be missed.

Draw. Write. Now.

When I was homeschooling Sophie, I did Draw.Write.Now with her almost daily. It was a fun way to do penmanship and she got to learn how to draw. Now it is Alfee's turn. Although Alfee is still in kindergarten now, he is around the same age as Sophie when she started on this. I miss teaching Sophie, honestly. It was really very fulfilling while it lasted. Nowadays, I hardly teach her. I only jump in if she can't cope with the topic, especially Maths. And usually there would be a huge meltdown that fires through her emotional brain up to her higher thinking brain before any learning can be done.

Alfee is totally different from her. He's pleasant and obliging even though he takes a bit more time and effort to grasp the concepts. Of course he also has his attention and impulse issues that make teaching him a challenge. I don't know how much longer I can hold on for the kids. My health is failing me fast and there is still so much more work to be done on them.

Alfee's Official Chapter Book

I always worry that Alfee isn't the reader like Sophie. By 4, she was reading independently. Alfee prefers to run and jump although he's starting to show more interest in books lately. In fact, he's asking me to sit and listen to him read. Today, he read me the whole book of Hey Jack! that I had borrowed from the library. Even though it was a very easy and thin book, and there were words he couldn't read on his own, I am super proud of him. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay awake long enough. I was simply too tired. I fell asleep towards the end and he didn't mind at all. 

My Parent's Love

The kids could have another loving adult to dote on them but my sister passed on in 2001. I'm sure a part of my parents died with her. Today, my dad called me in the morning and asked if I was free to go to the temple with them. Usually he doesn't ask me to accompany them, but today he sounded a little more like SOS. Of course, I was unwell and hopeful that I could rest in the morning. Of course I could not turn him down.

I went over to their place and found my mother all groggy and fragile looking. She was surprised to see me and grateful as well. Guilt-stricken, I tried to ignore my own physical discomfort and chit chatted with her. My dad told me that they had planned to visit my sister at the temple yesterday but my mother kept refusing to leave the house. He had no choice but to ask me for help. So I coaxed her to change and got all of us into a cab with 3 huge bags of offerings.

Once we reached there, my dad went on doing the usual. It was actually rather heartbreaking to see how he took out each box or bag of food and laid them neatly on the table for her late daughter. He was so organised and so meticulous. My mother used to be the one who did all these, for my late grandparents and sister, but she could no longer do that. She just sat on a bench and watched my dad do it. In my heart, I understood then how parental love is like. All my past grievance and resentment towards my parents dissipated because I know if I was the one who died, that would be what they would be doing for me. They would feed me, burn me money and clothing and asked me if I was happy and fine over there - like any parents. Unlike my late sister, I got the chance to witness how my parents love the child they have lost. I am blessed with the knowledge and revelation.

Alfee's Rhythm

For the longest time, we have Sophie 's world the whole environment designed to raised Sophie. Now we've finally found Alfee's rhythm. 

Time For A Change

We deal with changes in our lives constantly and sometimes it takes a lot more effort and time to cope with the adaptations. We end up maladapting occasionally, adopting ineffective strategies and hanging on to the obsolete practices. Our precious and almost sacred belief system starts to crumble under the weight of new challenges we face. Overwhelmed by the pressure to survive, we force ourselves to break free from the chains that we have grown to rely on for support. All will be good though. For we will live through the ordeal and find our way again. We will emerge like a fiery phoenix from the ashes of the past. We are, after all, the champions of the life we own.

Visit Ah Gong & Ah Mah

Today, we visited Ah Gong and Ah Mah after lunch. It wasn't a planned visit so when we reached their place, only Ah Mah was home. Unlike the past, she seemed a lot more at peace and happy. I believe that it's mainly due to her controlled blood sugar. Ah Gong has been conscientiously feeding her with home cooked food and controlling her carbohydrate intake. Her skin looks healthier now.

Ah Gong is quite amazing. He was a tough businessman when he was young and he hardly entered the kitchen. Ah Mah cooked him his meals for a good half of his life. Now, he is slowly picking up on cooking and household chores.  He even tries to be environmentally friendly by using organic household cleaning products. This is not the same man I grew up with. I feel very happy and relaxed with my parents today. It is a feeling I kinda enjoy and miss these days.

Mommy Gang Lunch Date

It has been quite a while since I last met up with the mommies. Gone were the days we gathered together to organize activities for the kids (at least on my part) but we still have a lot to chit chit about. Our kids are also growing up fast and furious. It used to be nightmarish to bring Sophie (and Alfee) but now, it's very manageable. Although now they are still challenging to parent, they are no longer unpredictable and wayward in the mall. 

Finding Mummy...

I had to get my nails done before we leave for Gold Coast on Wednesday. I was quite desperate for time because I know I'm working on Tuesday and I can't possibly make time tomorrow for it. So I ditched the kids with CK and Ah Boh after lunch and disappeared for 1 hr. That was when they decided to have some photo fun...

Post 40th Birthday Speech

Yesterday I hit 40 officially. I have set a couple of personal goals this year to mark the beginning of my adult life (yes, 40 is adulthood). I have fulfilled 3 so far..

1. I did my thorough health screening (aft 3-4 years of procrastination).

2. I got bk into the workforce (still part time but I'm in).

3. I attend a course on supporting adult learners with learning difficulties.

Other goals are still work in progress... like exercise (I finally tried yoga and I like it; Bodytec I don't enjoy it despite the results), diet, other skills acquisition and social life.

I had a good birthday yesterday. I went to work, relieving one of my colleagues so that she could enjoy her holiday and bond with her family. I sat with youngsters and supported them in their struggle to cope with the challenges they are facing. I discussed strategies with educators so that they can better manage the students in their care. I worked with my colleagues to share ideas to improve the quality of our services. I also gave my kids some space and opportunity to reflect and appreciate their mother (Sophie took time to make me a card and Alfee showered me with hugs and kisses after apologizing that he didn't give me any presents). And of cos I let CK take over parenting for a day!!!

Domestic Help Worker (Woes)

I had had a DHW whom I fired last October. It wasn't a rash act. And she didn't commit a major mistake or crime. I wanted her to go because we got too used to each other and she wasn't motivated to work anymore. She wanted to go home but the money was always a lure to stay, especial when work was relatively easy and light. Other than that, she tidied and cleaned very well… at least when she wanted to.

Then I got bolder and employed a DHW from Myanmar. I have heard so many conflicting views on them but I decided to give them a try to make my own judgement. I must say, the initial days were good. Maybe she tried hard and we were patient. Or maybe we were harbouring hopes. Whatever it has been, it's overdue and reality is starting to sink in. Human nature is definitely not going to be different by nationality, race or religion. It's hugely governed by perceived pleasure or pain and motivation to strike a balance.

Clams Today

I'm so happy and proud that my once and still fussy eaters are now willing to try out new food. I never thought it's possible for them to like clams. They eat a variety of raw and cooked vegetables, nuts, fruit, seafood and meats..

Saturday Stress

Alfee has got a birthday party to attend at Suntec City after his swimming lesson, so I took Sophie out for shopping. Sophie enjoys shopping… for her stuff, but she was happy to offer her opinion of the dresses I picked. I was glad that my 2-3 hours of shopping effort didn't go to waste because I bought myself 2 dresses. Yeah!

We regrouped at Raffles City after lunch and we sent the kids to their weekly Chinese lessons at Hua Cheng. I realised that things are really starting to pick up in momentum, soon we all would be worrying about exams and P1 registration. 

Alfee joined First Kicks and today he got his uniform. He looks all grown up now. And I think he's growing up really fast. He'll always have a special place in my heart… 

She Loves Me... Yay... Yay... Yay... On Wed...

Alfee wore the mask all the from school home. He said Lena made it for him because she loves him. Then he proudly declared, " I love Lena... She's my girlfriend!"

My Response To Her

"Why don't you say I have, on purpose, summoned the heavy rain now because I want you to be shivering wet and cold for 2 hours in air conditioned room during your Hua Cheng lesson? At least make me sound magical and powerful if you want to say something untrue about me!"

My response to her accusation (wailing and whining) that I'm being mean (making her revise her 听写 and clean up her room... and saying no when she asked me to buy her Dork Diaries) to her. That kind of shut her up... for the time being.

The Truth

Lies are like weeds and plants are relationships. They rob the plants of the nutrients, water and sunlight necessary for growth. And they grow so quickly that very soon, there's nothing much of the original plants left. If one lies to me because one thinks I can't handle the truth... imagine how I would handle a lie exposed. I have a talent in finding answers. The truth is I can manage truth better than I can tolerate lies. Looks like I have lost another friend.

Last Day Before School Term Starts

I arranged for 8 am swimming lesson for Alfee today before his drum lesson at 10 am. Usually, he doesn't swim so early but we have been skipping too many lessons. It was good because he seems to have got some of his courage back. I hope he will continue on and start swimming without a float soon. 

Sophie wanted to eat lunch at Shilifang badly so we went to Orchard Central. Although there's one outlet at Thomson Plaza, we still dare not eat there. I can't get over the rat I saw. After lunch, we went home. Both Ck and I slept while the kids watched their favourite DVD shows. Then they woke us and pestered us to take them to Bishan Park. 

I really didn't want to go, but I forced my aching, tired body out of the sofa and dragged my feet there with them. They were on bike and skate scooter… I WAS ON FOOT!!!!! It was mind over matter. Anyway, I had to do this. My body is shutting down and I need to wake it up before it stops functioning.

First Day In Anderson Primary

也不知道她哪来的勇气, 从不需要我... 在外总是自己照顾自己, 必要时还能挺身维护弟弟。可能正因为如此, 她不是一个轻易就服从他人的孩子。一路和她一起走来不易, 有苦有痛只有自己懂。她的情绪波动,蛮横无礼和轻浮不定... 都是致命伤。 

Bye Bye Old Me...

I chanced upon this picture as I was fiddling around with the computer. Let's face it! I'm never going to look or feel like that again. Despite the fatigue of motherhood, I was younger, stronger and more active. Ever since my Sjogren's hit me, it's downhill all the way for me. I still feel like crying when I look at this picture. Sophie looked happy and adorable, Alfee tamed and chubby, and I look like I could keep everything together. I wish things hadn't changed as much as they did. Those days are gone forever.

Birthday Party And Hua Cheng

Alfee's ex-classmate turned 6 today and all of us were invited to his birthday party. Usually, I don't attend birthday parties because the socialising depletes my energy. And I feel really out of place among the rich and capable parents. Today, I was determined to do some good to my psyche by making myself go…for a change. I made myself all cheery and positive. I also told myself to ignore all my self defeating negative voices. Well, it kind of worked. I initiated conversations. I listened attentively. I think I did well… for 2 hours. 

We left soon after the cake was cut. The kids had Chinese classes at Hua Cheng. It was Alfee's first class and we were all both anxious and excited. Fortunately, everything went pretty well. He enjoyed the class and the teacher is both very engaging and firm. He also found himself a new friend in class who happens to be the younger brother of a boy in Sophie's class. Such luck! So I ended up chit chatting with the boy's mum who turns out to be a soft spoken and friendly lady. Well, I must keep opening up to invite more people into my life.