Recently, I have developed a resentment towards "clueless" parents who had it "easy" with their babies. They are not particularly talented in parenting and they do not invest any effort or time in "upgrading" themselves. Worse still (or fortunately for them), they seem to have "textbook" babies who eat well (perhaps it is the nicotine, alcohol or opium in the food), sleep well (maybe sleeping pills), grow fast (and furious) and even learn beautifully (or so they claim)! Such parents also sound so unbelievably irritating when they rave about having the "second", "third" or "fourth" child (must be the lure of baby bonus) and then leaving them to the care of the grandparents or maids while they pursue their PERFECT CAREER. What is this world becoming?! These people "talk big" about the joy and bliss of parenthood... but come on, how much time do they really spend with their children (no, I don't mean when they do shopping with their children asleep in the strollers)???
Humph... Okay... So I am overgeneralizing and sounding pretty unfair myself. I do apologise. That is only because I am having a hard time coping with Sophie. Yet parenting seems like a breeze to others... And they so like to BRAG!!! Sigh! Maybe I am just plain jealous. But please, be honest! Admit... just admit that at times, you feel defeated by the overwhelming responsibility and workload, you feel bad that you cannot spend more quality time with your baby and you feel guilty to put your own interest above the needs of your baby. Don't put up a front and boast about how your baby thrive in bad manners, poor nutrient and unhealthy habits! BE AUTHENTIC for heaven's sake! And yes, these people do exist!
I often find myself at the mercy of Sophie's mood, energy level and appetite. At the bottom of my daily task list, after fulfilling Sophie's needs, are the household chores to be completed. I could barely squeeze time out of the schedule for toilet breaks... And every night, before my own bedtime, I wonder what have I done right or wrong that day? How can I do better? If Sophie has learnt enough for the day... or if she is a happy enough toddler? Am I helping her develop a strong, resilient and confident character? Is she going to be alright the next day?
When she sleeps, I would try my best to lie still next to her and keep myself awake. I would listen for a change in her breathing or a sign that she is shifting from one stage of sleep to another and waking up. Fearing that she could not go back to sleep on her own, I would quickly pat her gently or feed her water from her bottle. I have to coax her back to sleep before she awakes fully. When she stirs or moans, I would turn her to her side ever so gently and slowly because her head would otherwise be soaked in sweat. In the middle of her sleep, I also have to change her diaper before it gives her nappy rash or fungal infection... all without waking her up. Occasionally, I would just watch her sleep (if I have any energy left!) in the middle of the night because she looks like an angel when she is sound asleep.
When Sophie eats, I would tell myself beforehand to be patient, humorous and calm. Depending on her mood, I would "entertain" her enough to finish her bowl of porridge, cod fish and puree (Yes, she still likes fruit and vegetable puree). I could either let her pretend to feed me or hold on to a book while she eats. Sometimes, stickers could work, too! However, she almost always open her mouth only wide enough to taste the food. It could take a few attempts for a teaspoonful of food to finally enter her mouth and sometimes, it would not stay there for long. Even though a challenge, I love her cheeky expressions and comic actions as she tries to evade my spoon and distract me from feeding her.
When Sophie plays, I become her bodyguard and playmate on demand. She dashed around, totally oblivious to the potential danger of walls, corners or even window pane. I run around after her to minimise her injury but sometimes, she just run amok and hit the wall with her forehead. She also always puts everything into her mouth. She would deliberately turn her back to me and walk off before putting her toys into her mouth. If I should remove her toy from her hand, she would wail and big, fat tears would roll down her red cheeks. If that has not caused enough heartache in me, she would then drop herself into my arms for solace and wait for me to wipe off the tears on her face. At that juncture, I would relent and give her the toy back. And she would give me a huge smile of triumph and satisfaction before taking off with her "trophy"... No hard feelings... Her antics are hilarious at times and endearing always. She makes me laugh like child again.
I admit it is very tough for me to play the role of a mother and I am barely able to cope with it. And it freaks me out to even think about going back to the workforce while Sophie is in childcare. How can I ever manage? Maybe I am just not as capable as everyone else? How would that affect Sophie then? What should I do now? I guess my anger for "those" parents stems from my own insecurities, fears, and incompetency. I have yet to learn how to accept my own limitations and celebrate my accomplishments.
Regardless, motherhood to me is a journey filled with uncertainties, sacrifices, frustrations, worries, fears, and pain... All in hope that there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel, where my daughter's future lies.
Sophie's mommy, you are a wonderful mommy, and always believe that you are!! You do what is best for Sophie, and trust me parenting is not a breeze, and I do agree with you some parents do brag about their partenting skills which not exactly sure if they do have any, but I believe all parents struggle with parenting and we are not perfect. We learn from our children just like they learn from us. Every parents have their own struggle with their own kids and some could take it but some don't. I don;t believe in right or wrong in parenting. We just got to learn each day to cope with our children. I get angry and upset when E doesn't want to eat my food, and whenever he does that nowadays, I stop feeding him when he refuses my food. I slowly learn to accept that children will not die if they skip a meal. But I want E to learn that if he is not going to eat my food, he would be hungry and there is no food for him later. He does learn that slowly, and now he starts eating already. E has fallen many times when he learns how to walk sort of stumbling, but I begin to let go and learn that he needs to fall and hurt himself so that he can learn to walk more steadily in the future. Whenever he falls and hit on his head or himself, of course he would cry, but he learns that it hurts when he falls, and he will not go running aimlessly but be more careful next time. So it's a learning process for him. You are a great mum, and you did a good job in taking care of Sophie. Maybe you just need to learn to let go sometimes.
ReplyDeleteMama, can know what u mean. Books are just a guide. Children are totally diff even if they are born into the same family. I too feels frustrated when i have to look after both on weekends and hols. U are doing a great job cos i dun have time for bb Yun Er and last time when Xiao Ci was much younger. I also complains to my husband that i spend too too less time with her and more time in sch. Dun be too upset ok? Just tell urself that u are giving ur best and Sophie is already getting the best. She is a fine child. Xiao Ci till now still have fussy eating habits. And she can only read some words lately. BB Yun Er also screams to try and get her way thru'. Most important is that we love them with all our heart. :)
ReplyDeleteHave u consider getting a part time maid to come once a week? I have 1 that comes every Sunday.
I think you're a wonderful and self sacrificing mommy. Don't be so hard on yourself. All of us can see the hard work and effort you've put in to nuture Sophie. From Sophie, we can see the love and care that you've put in, that's why Sophie so soooo lovable and cute! :) You're one person that Sophie can never replace with! :)
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