Kinderland @ YCK

The past few days were quite an ordeal for our family, especially Mama. I have prepared Sophie and myself in all aspects for this, but somehow we were still traumatised by the whole experience of childcare!

1 July

First day of school life for Sophie and we were both totally exhausted by mid-day. She fell asleep shortly after we reached home after her shower. And I took the opportunity to weep away my heartaches and worries for her. It was rough for me to watch her make sense of the new environment and I can only imagine how hard it must have been and will continue to be for Sophie for the next 2 weeks. She was occasionally whining and crying in her nap... I wonder if she hates school as much as I did.

During Sophie's playtime, the toddlers were led to the hall because it was drizzling. I was happy to see Sophie run around with her favourite "ball". Occasionally, she ran into others and got knocked over. At times, she had to fight for her ball. Most of the time she was ignored when she tried to initiate a game with others. My heart broke. I knew she wanted to play with others but everyone was in their own world and she was not part of it. I wanted to play with her so much bit we could not. We wanted to try staying out of sight for a while when we thought she was playing happily. BUT she wailed and ran towards us the moment we left the hall (before I could close the door).

It was definitely a culture shock to see their food or shall I say "lack of it". I have always thought that Sophie is a fussy eater who eats too little. Well, the amount of porridge she eats every meal is probably equivalent to what 5 children there eat for a meal. And the children drink very little water and fluid. I was worried that she could not eat on her own... Now I worry more when they feed her with the adult fork and spoon.

Although I was mentally prepared for her tears during the adjustment period, I was not ready for the level of independence expected of her. There seemed to be too many toddlers for the teachers and assistants to manage. Each time she was shoved by her classmates, I would clenched my teeth to resist the urge of bashing the other children up. Then she fell enough times within a few hours there to cover the number of times she fell at home in a week! By mealtime, she looked tired, unkempt and restless. And I had no heart to wait any longer, we left by 11.45 am.

2 July

My eyes were puffy and swollen in the morning from the crying and lack of sleep the night before. We took Sophie there with a heavy heart, knowing that we would spend the next few hours helplessly worrying about her. Papa was denied entry today because of their H1N1 precautionary measure. I took Sophie into her classroom and left shortly. I did a proper "goodbye'' and when I left, she was not teary at all. But later when I peeped at her through the window, she was sitting on the teacher's lap, looking very grouchy and listless, while the other teacher was singing and doing fingerplay.

I lingered in the school compound, worried sick about my little one yet unable to watch her without tearing myself. I tried to take pictures of the school facilities to distract myself. Also, I wanted to do a pictorial time-table to show Sophie when her day was done and she could see her Mama again. Around 10 am, I saw the staff leading the toddlers to the playground. I quickly parked myself behind a toy house and hid from Sophie's view. I was glad Sophie played really hard for that 30 minutes. There were occasions when I nearly dashed forward to help her but the teacher and "auntie" beat me to it. Phew!

I did not get to see Sophie after they went back to class. I was exhausted from kneeling and hiding in the sun, but I was hardly aware of that... my heart was aching more. I knew Sophie is a strong and determined girl, but this felt like boot camp. At lunch, I saw the teacher struggling to feed her macaroni soup. They told me her appetite was good, but judging from the amount they rationed out... I think the rest of the children probably do not eat at all. After Sophie had washed up, I took her to the dismissal area aka canteen to meet Papa. She was so thrilled to see Papa that she dashed towards him despite her sleepiness!

Never been more glad to be reunited with Sophie...

3 July

Thank Almighty 'tis Friday! One more day at childcare and Sophie could stay home for the weekends! We had wanted to drop her off at the entrance, do a proper goodbye and leave peacefully. BUT the "auntie" (I did not even know who she was!!!) came out and "rob" her from my arms. Sophie burst out crying but all I could do, as she took off with my little girl, was to force a reassuring smile and waved at her.

Luckily, there was another lady waiting for her little girl at the canteen so we had a long discussion about our worries and fears. Apparently, she did not feel secure about leaving her daughter there as well. We were both upset about how our girls "suffered" at childcare. Time flies when there is distraction, it was their outdoor playtime before we knew it. All three of us hid and watched our girls. I managed to catch a glimpse of the expression on the lady's face... she was feeling a bad case of heartache too.

Dismissal was bittersweet. Sophie wailed when she saw me and I ran towards her. She was very tired and her t-shirt smelt of insect repellent and lunch. As before, I carried her to meet her Papa at the dismissal area. Papa clearly missed her very much as well... He has taken leave for the past 3 days to make sure we were okay.

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Epilogue

My initial objectives for sending Sophie to childcare

• self discipline
• acquire self help skills e.g. self feeding, toilet training
• socialise
• learn through play and a variety of activities

Unfortunately, I seriously doubt that she would acquire good habits or skills unless they increase the number of teachers. There are just too many toddlers for them to pay individual attention to. Besides, they rush through all their lessons and activities so the toddlers hardly know what is happening. And of course, some toddlers are actually not well enough for school. They have green mucus flowing down their nostrils. Papa said the toddlers are parked there by parents who have no choice... And they somehow are also aware of that.

A lot of damage control has to be done on Sophie. She is now down with a viral infection and struggling to breathe normally again. We intervened immediately with TCM and lots of nasal spray so her condition is quite manageable. However, the psychological impact of this whole episode on her... I am not so sure. She still wakes up a few times in the night, crying for me even though I was beside her. She is very wary of others now, especially if they try to carry her. I probably have to work on those insecurities and help her overcome them.

Tomorrow is a designated school holiday for the children at Kinderland so Sophie is not attending childcare. In fact, she is also not going back there on Tuesday or any other day. We are pulling her out. We would lose the July's school fees, of course. But we hope we would not lose Sophie's faith and trust in us to cherish, protect and love her.

I had wanted to create a pictorial timetable for Sophie about her childcare arrangement... Looks like we do not need it anymore!