Dragon's Lost Her Scales And Shine

Without sounding too much of a whiner, I would like to lament and download all my woes and sorrow here. So if you are not a very empathetic person, skip this entry.

I woke up feeling pretty lousy because my feet hurt with every step I take. It is familiar and nothing new, but my sense of despair and disappointment was. I thought my swell would go down and everything would be good after the $300 injection. The tenderness and bruise around the toe joint is still visible since last week but it's the familiar joint pain that drives me to tears. I could feel the little bump again, indicating a brewing inflammation... AGAIN!

Everything hurts now. Somehow the other foot also caught on and now it feels very tender. Even my heels hurts. I wonder if all the running around yesterday aggravated it. If so, then I'm doomed. It means I can never have normal function of my feet again. I can't walk as much as before, I got to see the doctor on a regular basis and God knows what other restrictions I have.

I am miserable. I feel like a crippled... I know there are more unfortunate people out there with bigger and worse problems. BUT knowing that would never make me feel any better about my problem. I'm thankful that I'm still able to run errands and take care of my kids. I'm grateful that I can still deal with my health issues. Yet I want to be able to do more. I have been waiting for my kids to be older and more independent so that I can go pursue my aspirations. Now, I really wonder if it's even possible for me. I'm only 36 and I can't walk properly. Imagine 40 and 50? By then, I'll be on wheelchair.

As I was walking Alfee this morning, I was thinking about how much longer I could do this. My feet hurt, though not as bad as before, and tears were welling up. I was so happy a week ago that I was able to go walking with the kids again... now, I'm devastated to admit that my problem is chronic and probably will never go away. Can anyone imagine pain each step you take? My mum can... my dad can... but they are in their 70s. I don't know... I'm very depressed about this and I'm not allowed to wallow in sorrow...

I just googled and found two possibilities - osteroarthritis or rhumatoid arthritis... Until my next appointment, I'll have to wear better walking shoes...